Monday
I finished my book today. Hooray!

Tuesday
The wife and I had a little party to celebrate my book and my new career as a novelist.

Wednesday
Told my mates at work I’d finished my book. They seemed impressed.

Thursday
The phone hasn’t rung all day. Perhaps news of my accomplishment hasn’t filtered out yet. I expect it will soon.

Friday
Checked Google and my book is not there yet.

Saturday
Google still doesn’t show my book. Seems strange, I thought Google knew everything?

Sunday
Can’t expect much to happen on a Sunday I suppose, but still a bit disappointed my book is not showing up on the internet.

Monday
The wife’s brother said I needed a publisher so I looked in the yellow pages. Harper Collins seem to be up to the job, I’ll give them a ring.

Tuesday
Hmm, thought they’d be pleased to have a new book. Seems they want me to have an agent. Mike said it must be because of the complexities of international film rights and so on. I hadn’t thought of that. Back to the Yellow Pages.

Wednesday
Agents are miserable people. They wouldn’t talk to me and just told me to send a query and synopsis, whatever they are.

Thursday
Looked up “Query” on Google and when I got past the gay porn, some of which was quite extraordinary, I discovered it’s a sort of letter I send to an agent. Why couldn’t they just say that in the first place? Anyway, sent my query to Langford Rollance Agency. This is all more complicated than I thought.

Tuesday
Still nothing back from Langford Rollance. I gave them a ring and they sounded really smarmy on the phone, said I’d have to wait three months! I don’t think I want them to have my book if they can’t be a bit more efficient than that. I told them that. I’m going to photocopy it and send it to twenty agents now. They can bid for it. Let’s see how Langford Rollance like a bit of competition!

August 21st
Okay, it’s been three months now and out of the twenty people I sent my photocopies to only four have replied. They just sent photocopied bits of paper saying it wasn’t for them but to keep trying. I’m not even sure they read it.

August 22nd
Phoned one of the agents who hasn’t yet replied to ask them why they’re taking so long when it is clearly going to be a best seller. The stupid girl on the other end asked me if I had a publisher as they only deal with writers who have a publishing contract. I’ll swear this industry doesn’t know its ar*e from its elbow. I told her that and she hung up on me. Well serves them right, they won’t be having my book.

September 8th
No more replies so I phoned another of the incompetent companies who forgot to reply. Another idiot girl, this time saying they only deal with published writers! How the hell does that work?! This industry really is a joke the publisher says I need an agent first and the agent says I need to be published first. I tried to explain that if I was already published I wouldn’t need their mess of a company in the first place. She hung up on me. It’s no wonder bookshops are closing.

October 4th
Have to confess to being a bit down about all this. No more replies and nobody will talk to me on the phone. Mike said he’d heard a thing on the radio that self publishing is the way to go. I’ll look into it.

October 14th
Joined a writers forum, The Writers Rights. The people on there seem to know a bit about all this. They say ‘The flow of money goes to the writer not the other way round,’ or something like that. Anyway they all say self publishing is morally wrong and they are all going to be famous and rich because sooner or later a publisher will find them. I like this forum.

November 2nd
Been doing lots of writing of messages and stuff on The Writers Rights. They’re a nice bunch. Nobody here’s been published yet but we’re all in the same boat so we can discuss the stupidity of publishers together and how they try to con us writers.

November 21st
One of the writers on The Writers Rights went and self published his book. We all told him how stupid he was!

December 18th
I’ve decided to cut out the publishers. After all, nobody reads books anymore. It’s all about movies these days. I’m going to send my book straight to Steven Spielberg. That will show them all!

January 23rd
Spielberg still hasn’t replied. I phoned his office in Hollywood and explained that this was costing me an arm and a leg on the phone. The girl asked me if I had an agent!

February 2nd
I’ve decided to give up on this whole book business. I’ve heard that there’s good money to be made in writing music. I’ve bought one of these computer music things that seems to do the whole thing for you! This has got to be easier!